Blessing or Curse?.. The Golden Bitch

Before we dive in, this is my first blog post in a whole year. I am not a writer, my language isn’t great and please skip over my bad punctuation, Im new to this. I am setting fear aside and finally doing this for me and hopefully your enjoyment. I want to create a like minded community, with a safe place to talk about anything and everything. Expect weekly blogs, dumped here, by yours truly, Chantelle X

“Never rely on a man” my mother, 1990’s ish. 

Now I don’t know if this is how I perceived my mothers words as a child or if she genuinely told me this verbatim, probably a mix of both but let me tell you, it STUCK!

What I took from her flippant but aggressive single mum, divorcee statements (my gran had the same dialogue, a generation of hurt, non trusting woman, I get it, men can be bastards!) was that I should under no circumstances depend on a man for ANYTHING!. Oh if only I could have had a little context along with those mighty words. It would have saved me years of fighting against myself (and others). What I think she really meant is, financially and emotionally (although I didn’t understand the emotions part at the time) always have your own back, never let a man lift his hands to you (she made this one clear as day), buy your own shit, own your own shit, have a strong library of things that are yours only, so that when and if the time comes that your man leaves you/hurts you, then walla, your sorted. All that leaves your life is HIM!. If only it was that easy. As a child I didn’t understand the complexity of relationships, I had nothing to go by. So to me, my mums words meant, be so super independent, you won’t need anyone because they will hurt you and they will leave you, the end. Not her fault I took that life altering statement and flew with it, protecting it like I had just caught a golden snitch! 

There was one problem. I deeply wanted to be loved, secretly of course. I wanted all the traditional trimmings, wedding, baby, handsome prince charming who was going to sweep me of my feet and you know, save me!. I wanted deep meaningful friendships, to be popular, adored and I wanted relationships with my family that were loyal to the core and dependable. I wanted perfectness.

So yeah it was confusing. I wanted to be loved, liked, cherished but I also had an impenetrable, fierce and intimidating force field built up around me so go figure..carnage!

I used to wear those words as a badge of honour, like I was a superior breed for not “needing” anything from anyone. In reality I took those words and used them to the extreme, a shield, a coat of armour, a force to be reckoned with. Those words then, also trickled if not gushed into my friendships, relationships and family life like a monsoon. 

If your no longer in my life it’s more than likely because I deemed you disloyal, un trust worthy  or could see that you may hurt me so you unfortunately or fortunately got the chop. To be fair I blame some of this on my good old scorpio traits. I was harsh in some instances but I also believe all those faraway people are faraway for a reason. Theres no severed ties I regret. It’s not all bad being ultra independent you know. You weed out a-lot of un necessary bullshit. 

I could go deeper and I could go on and on and on but I’m going to cut to the chase and write down my long list of musings of what being a super independent looks like to me, here goes: 

First off I have come to realise it stems from trauma. You believe that you can only rely on you.

Don’t take everything your parents say as verbatim (although try telling that to a child) but also take some as verbatim, yes it makes no sense but one day you will maybe make some sense of it 

Your parents can without knowing put their trauma onto you, creating and repeating their trauma for you, in you. Just great! 

If your a parent do the inner work, heal, don’t pass your shit onto your children 

She was right, there are alot of shitty men out there..ALOT! 

She didn’t tell me about the ones that are pure magic though, I doubt she knew they existed herself but I found him, I figured it out

You can, in fact, rely on men (some, sorry I had to)

Be honest with your children about life but don’t let it be a one sided story or belief system 

Put your experiences aside and fill your child with hope, confidence and courage. Show them that there are good humans out there, healthy relationships are possible and so very beautiful and friendships are a blessing. Show them that love for yourself and others is key. You are their muse after all

Forgive. They didn’t know what they were doing either, do we really ever have our shit together? 

Resentment that I held for those who didn’t read my mind and ask to help, think we all know that one. Just sitting back waiting and wallowing in fury for that selfless soul to reach out and offer to clean up my chaos. Unless those around you have those wonderful abilities like mystic meg it’s no one’s responsibility to try and figure out what your thinking or may or may not need from them. COMMUNICATE!  

Once you start to figure it out and heal yourself you will realise what others do to you isn’t about you. That will help, trust me 

Ask for help, even just now and again. Open yourself up to receiving

Allow others to do things for you, even if you don’t need it, it will make them feel like they are needed and valued

It gets lonely. By not needing anyone your world becomes pretty small 

Iv grown to love my small world 

Being independent for me is productive. I’m never that woman to call anyone and ask them to do this or that, help or offload (obviously I annoy the boyfriend for bits now and again..growth). I just get it done. It works 

I’m a super driven business woman and guess what!, I own all my own shit. I am self made, all by me (proud of that one), thanks mum!

I have and always will find it hard to trust others 

I am undoing past generational patterns

Good partners are there to love, support and help you, allow it, nothing bad will happen!

I cope well in high stress situations, probably too well because I still have my coat of armour for when I need it. I’m resilient or at least I think I am

I am my best cheerleader 

I am proud of who I am, the inner work Iv done and who I’m becoming (cliche but true) 

Again I could go on and on. There is many good and bad to come from being ultra independent. This subject can get so deep and can easily branch off into so many different topics which I would love to get into in the future.

But my question to myself will forever be, do I deem that statement from my beloved mother a blessing or a curse? 

Strip back everything else I have rambled above. What my mum taught me was to rely on me, to get so good at it that it was a super power. Was she equipping me with what she knew I would need?. Was she protecting me from the bad people she knew were out there?. Was her good intentions warped by a child’s lack of intellect and experience to understand what she was saying?. Was she ever really wrong?, because when it comes down to it, we can, only really rely on ourselves, right? 

If you read this and resonate, keep being that independent go getter but try letting people help you a little, just a little. Do the work for past generations and the generations to come. You are and always have been ENOUGH!

P.S love you mum! 

Books I recommend are:

You can heal your life by Louise Hay & The book you wish your parents had read by Philippa Perry

Please reach out with your thoughts, comment below or catch me on socials @chantelle.peachespearls or @peachespearlsboutique